My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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