I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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