I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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