I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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