I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
