i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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