I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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