I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
