Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
