The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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