you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
