just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Oh god it's open bar.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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