Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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