how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
