I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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