Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
