Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
