I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
