He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
