It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
