my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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