i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
