Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
