i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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