Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize