I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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