So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i was born a porn star she said
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
