I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize