I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
