I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
