Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
