I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Randomize
