Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
