I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
