We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
