you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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