Tell her she can't have a vagina
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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