dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
