I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Im part way to drunk.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
