o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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