you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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