Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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