Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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