Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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