It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
