I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
