Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
