Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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