i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
