My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
