im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
