just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
