my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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