mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
