The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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