i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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